Yeup. I walked the walk and did the damn thing.
I have been shooting boudoir since 2016-ish? I didn’t do my own session until 2019. Three years after I started. The thing is, I am not perfect at any of this self love stuff either. I struggle with my own body image issues from an abusive marriage I was in for a long time.
When I booked it I felt more excited than nervous. I am a boudoir photographer myself so I know what to expect right? Well the morning of my own session the nerves finally hit me. I woke up giddy and ready! Then I got in my car and to drive there and it slowly started creeping in. The nerves were showing up. My heart was pounding in my ears and my hands got a little clammy. I got this. I turned on some jams to get me all pumped up the entire way there to help me “feel myself”. Who doesn’t feel good after listening to Lizzo or Queen B? The correct answer here is no one.
So I get to her studio and I walk into the glam room where the hair and makeup artist is all set up and ready for me. I sit in the comfy chair and I am immediately feel at ease. For the first hour and a half of my experience I was laughing and catching up with my long time photographer friend. I still had the butterflies but I was feeling more relaxed at this point. I knew she was an exceptional photographer so I trusted her wholeheartedly.
Once the hair and makeup process was done we walked into the changing room so we could plan what outfits we were gonna shoot and where. She popped out so I could get into outfit #1. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “whew. I am actually doing this”. I knew most of my clients were nervous before their sessions but I think in this moment the reality of that really set in for me.
I walked out of the fitting room, scooted my tushie up on the bed and…my head went blank. What was I supposed to do?? This is literally what I do for a living and I froze. I looked up at Miranda and she laughed. Being on the other side of the camera is different. There is a reason I like being behind the lens…because then I don’t have to be in front of it.
The session flew by. Lots of laughs and vulnerabilities later the hour dedicated to my session disappeared in the blink of an eye. I didn’t know I needed this as much as I did. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry on the way home. I was filled with so much love and appreciation for who I am and the strength I had to get vulnerable like this. After going through a miserable divorce with my abuser and the rough year I had rebuilding myself from nothing….this was transformational for me. Whenever I start feeling less than worthy of, basically, anything in my life: the images remind me who the fuck I am.
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